Monday, 21 May 2012

31 Day Blog Challenge - Day 20

Day 20 - A Difficult Time in Your Life

I know, I know.  I'm a day late.  I don't know about you, but I'm starting to see a pattern on the days that I am late with my posts!!  That's work interfering with my blogging! lol.  Normally I would combine the two posts together when I'm a day late, but because of the subject, I feel this one deserves it's own post.

Ok, so a difficult time in my life.  I would say that there have been two major difficult times in my life, but I am only going to write about one here.

The first difficult time I had was when I was 11 when my dad died.  I can still remember the day it happened now.  I was supposed to be going to my friends house for tea, so was really surprised and confused when my mum came to pick me up from school.  I normally walked home from school, so it was unusual in itself for her to pick me up, but even more so as I was going to my friends.  My grandma was with her, so I thought maybe it was because grandma had come over to visit.  Grandma lived what I thought was really far away (it is in actual fact only about 30 miles away) and it was rare for her to come on a weekday.

My dad
Anyway, off I went with mum and grandma, a bit annoyed about not going to my friends house.  When we got home they told me the news.  I can't remember how I reacted to the news, I'm guessing there was alot of crying involved.  I remember hating it whenever anyone asked me if I was ok when I was back at school.  I would try to be really strong, but as soon as those words were said I would end up crying again.  I try my best not to say them now to anyone who's grieving, but I think it's natural for those words to come out when we don't know what to say.

The pain of loosing a parent is one that never goes away.  It does get better in time, but every so often, something happens and I find myself wishing my dad was here.  I think because I was so young when my dad died, it was only as I became an adult that the grief really *hit* me.

Six months down the line, I was watching Pretty Woman with my mum.  It was the first time my mum let me watch a '15' film, so I was feeling pretty grown up.  After the film ended, my mum told me the truth about my dad not being my natural father.  This really confused me and I felt like I'd lost my dad all over again, not only was he not here, but now he wasn't my biological father either.  I felt *different*.  I felt like I didn't belong.  When I look back, I can't believe how naive I was in that I couldn't see it.  I am dark skinned and have dark hair and eyes and both of my sisters are very fair, blonde and blue eyed!  Whenever anyone asked me about my colouring I would just say that it was because I was born in South Africa.  I never even clocked on that I was born two years before my parent met!  It was only after my grandma had died a couple of years later that I realised that to them it really didn't matter whose genes were inside me, I was still family to them.

My eldest child PJ is named after my dad.  Whenever I hear the song The Living Years by Mike & The Mechanics, I always think of my dad.  I wish he could be here to see his grandchildren.  The anniversary of his death and his birthday are always sad days for me and I think they always will be.  I like to think that he's looking over us, watching and guiding us, but mostly I wish he was here with us.

Jackie. x

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